March | 2015 | Bergland Bay Bar

Archive for March 31, 2015

admin | March 31, 2015

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Last day of March.

Weather: Hi 40’s and 50’s the next few days.

Trail Conditions: Muddy.

Dark and gloomy today with a chance of white stuff. Enough already, I want sunshine. But like the Rolling Stones sang, You Can’t always get what you want. Oh well spring will be here soon, then the gnats, then the black flies, then the May flies, then mosquitos, and so on, then finally snowmobile season once again LOL.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 30, 2015

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3-30-15

Weather: Sunny and warmer.

Trail Conditions: Melting again?

Sunshine Lolly Pops, and gorgeous outside today. It is hard to believe that last year snowmobile season lasted till about a month from now. This year it ended abruptly about a month ago. I think we still had a few sleds in the first week of March, but not many, at least it seemed like not many compared to the rest of the season. Oh well another year in the books.

Temps look to be up into the high 50’s for a few days, we need to get the trails dried up so we can get the ATV’s out. I wouldn’t be in any rush, it is going to be a while yet.

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .
> In and out . . . . In and out . . . .
> A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .
> She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
> Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
> She was getting near to the end.
> He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
> Forwards then backwards.
> Forward then backwards.
> Again . . . . and, again . . . .
> Her heart was pounding now . . . .
> Her face was flushed . . . .
> She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
>

Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . She shouted:
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>

“OK, OK, I can’t parallel park. You do it!”

Category: Uncategorized |

admin | March 28, 2015

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To the Merrill Wisconsin Muff Divers

A shout out to the asshole that wrote on my bathroom wall. Don’t come back you fucking idiot.

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 28, 2015

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3-28-15

Weather: Sunny and warmer.

Trail Conditions: Melting again?

Well it is back to the 40’s and then 50’s for a few days. Then who knows maybe a big snow storm before it is all over. Gotta love the UP weather.

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’

Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he

knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never,’ said Ed.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…..

“Ed, wake up! You shit in the bed!”

Getting OLD just ain’t what they said it would be!

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 27, 2015

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3-27-15

Weather: Sunny and cold.

Trail Conditions: All White.

Everything is white again with a few snowmobile tracks here and there. Not much else going on, think I better get going on income taxes. I’m only 11 months behind on balancing my checkbook. I think I better go hide in the basement and get to work.

(A version of the St. Patrick’s Day legend most people haven’t
heard)

The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick’s Day is because this is
when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that some
centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of
the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food
was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the
area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes.

St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do,
decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly, he organized the Irish
IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish
members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from
selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would
spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where
their fish would keep.

Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone
knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate
Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of
night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the
Norwegian invaders.

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to
the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it
“lutefisk”, which is Norwegian for “luscious fish”. Matters became even
worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish
potato crop and making something called “lefse.”

Poor St. Patrick was at his wit’s end, and finally on March 17th ,
he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to “GO TO HELL.” So they all
got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota…The only other paradise on
earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be
found in abundance.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 26, 2015

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3-26-15

Weather: Snow, useless snow.

Trail Conditions: All White.

Funny how my page views go way up when ever it snows. What are you looking for? To see me in agony or did you just need a daily snow fix LOL. One more day of cold then back to some warmer weather. I am ready to take the SxS out, too bad the weather is not cooperating.

“it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.”The priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

“Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest questioned, “Who is this Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replied.

“Very well”, sighed the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart …just enough to reveal that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, “No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes.”

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 25, 2015

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3-25-15

Weather: Snow, useless snow.

Trail Conditions: White and Muddy.

We got snow, a few inches it looks like. Temps are below freezing until the weekend so the mess will stick around for a few days. We usually get a few big storms in March but this has been a screwed up year. Every year has a different set of challenges, this year we had our share, I don’t think we seen real good trails until the middle of January. Hopefully next year we will get cold freezing temps before we get 90+ inches of snow. But for now enjoy the pretty white stuff out there, it is covering up all the ugly brown we have been looking at for a few weeks.

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 24, 2015

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3-24-15

Weather: Sunny today, snow tomorrow.

Trail Conditions: Muddy, lot of snow still.

Snow tomorrow, but that is old news for you guys down south I guess. We are even warmer up here than down in Illinois or Indiana. You guys can keep the snow too, we need the ATV trails to dry up. The Forest Service has a quiet season I think they call it until May 15th so the trails have a chance to dry up. After that it is going to be ATV Time.

Al, a road crew supervisor in Newfoundland, hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. He was skeptical about hiring Ole since he didn’t have any painting background. But Ole appeared enthusiastic and told Al that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work day shift would be to complete 2 miles of center-line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and Al got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he’d painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn’t say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift,
Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road.

Ole was called to the supervisor’s office and was asked what was the problem.

“On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What’s the problem, Ole?”

“Vell,” Ole replied, “I’ll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I’m getting farder and farder avay from da paint can.

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 23, 2015

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2-23-15 11am.

Weather: Can’t make up its mind.

Trail Conditions: Muddy, lot of snow still.

A big congrats goes out to Nick Keller from snowballcancer.org who Saturday drove his sled into the cemetery in Richmond Mn. and turned 99,956 miles when he reached his Mother’s grave site. I’m not sure what Nick is going to be up to in the future, but I’m sure rest will be in order.

Not a lot going on up here, Becker and I seem to be getting over this flu crap finally. At least we waited till after the busy season to get sick I guess.

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.”

Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2013 and Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says……..”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Category: Trail Updates |

admin | March 21, 2015

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3-21-15 9am

Weather: Cold and Snowy.

Trail Conditions: Muddy, lot of snow still.

Don’t even think about it, just keep your asses at home LOL. The coldest day we have had for a while, high 20’s today and a bit of snow. We are only supposed to get an inch or so, actually it is kind of nice seeing all the dirty brown sand covered up by a fresh coat of snow. Temps look like it is not going to get to warm next week, even calling for more snow on Wednesday. Maybe Mother Nature is trying to screw up ATV season this year too. Actually they have a quiet time until May 15th to let the trails dry out a bit. I gotta go in for a few hours today until Kristie takes over, Then it will be back to bed to kick this cold I have.

The El Al plane leaves Tel Aviv Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese…’

‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!’

‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’

‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese…..doesn’t matter, you all look alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence. ‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg… all the same.’

Category: Trail Updates |

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