Archive for September 10, 2015

9-10-15

Weather: Cooler but nice.

Oh what a night. Uncle Dale and I went out to Fish Tales. Tom and Holly and big Jim were there too. Hopefully we made Brenda a Happy Birth Day. And hopefully none of the videos show up on FaceBook.

Weather is getting cooler, we did manage to pull the pontoon boat out of the water, and I only got one foot wet. We will be back into the 70’s next week, Becker and I may get another ride or two in out on the Lake yet.

Well off to ride with our Iowa friends today. Don’t know if I can take another day of partying, but I’ll give it my best shot.

The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

9-9-15

Weather: Cooler but nice.

Happy Hump Day. LOL maybe I can confuse Becker on what Hump Day really is. Well I’m bored, or maybe just a good case of writer’s block. Maybe time to do something stupid so I have something to write about.

I am going to pull the pontoon out today, weather is going to be changing here I believe, trees are starting to get a little color here and there. It won’t be long before the colors are in full bloom.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he spent years teaching the natives, in their language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them much was how to speak English. 
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” 
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,”Tree.” 
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” 
The chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” 
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. 
The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, “Man riding a bike.” 
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. 
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that    way? 
The chief replied, “My bike.”
  
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the main roads when riding somebody else’s bicycle.

9-8-15

Weather: Cooler.

Had fun with the Iowa Side by Side people in the bar last night. Thanks Kim and Dale for bringing everyone up. They came up with 6 machines and are staying for a week. Don’t worry I have the Miller Truck coming to drop off more Miller Lite. Now that’s the way you party Iowa Style.

Is it me or does Windows totally suck? I have been using my Apple for a while now so I have been out of touch. I bought Becker a new computer so she could play her games, Spider Solitaire and Mahjong Tiles.  WOW seems like you can not do anything without a Windows ID. And commercials up the ying yang. I think that I have purchased my last Windows computer.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. “Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. “Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise. “Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!” “Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”

9-7-15

Weather: Looks nice.

Becker and I hit the lake yesterday. Becker, me, inter tube and a cooler, we just sat in the lake and chilled. I guess we had our day of non-motorized sports. Actually it was very refreshing.

Looks like I am going to take a trip this weekend to pick up Mom down in Indiana, she was been helping brother Scott recover from his rotatory cup surgery. Mom is ready to come home, she misses her house on the lake.

Happy Labor Day everyone, be safe and have fun.

 

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

9-6-15

Weather: Chance of rain, then cooling off.

Becker and I hit the water yesterday, we didn’t go out until 4pm and stayed till dark. We found a nice quiet cove and munched down on an Antonio’s Giant Sub and sat back in the cool breeze.

When we were leaving the dock at Fish Tales Tom Miller told us it was hotter than hell out on the Lake. Actually we had a nice breeze and within an hour or so the breeze turned cool. I think Tom was trying to get us to come into the bar, he probably forgot his wallet again.

TEE SHIRT

A blonde goes over to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
‘Why are you wearing a ‘Thank God It’s Friday’ tee-shirt on Monday?’
‘Oh crap!’ the blonde says. ‘I didn’t realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant “This Go In Front.”

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
 

RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the
other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
“You  ARE on the other side.”

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
“We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night !!

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” responded the blond.  “They’re watch dogs!”

9-5-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Oh what a night. Never made it on the pontoon, we didn’t get home from our ATV ride until after 9pm. Cooked steaks at Mom’s garage instead. WOW were they ever good. And the best part is I have left over potatoes for breakfast.

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

9-4-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Into the 80’s again today, I wanted to go for an ATV ride, Becker wanted to go for a pontoon ride. Guess who is going to win? Why not both of us? ATV ride early and Pontoon ride later on.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.


“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”


The pastor asked, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”


The old lady replied, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?”


“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”


The little old lady said proudly, “In
Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

9-3-15

Weather: Beautiful.

Rain during the day yesterday made for a great bon fire night. Becker and I were sorting pop cans, one of my least favorite jobs at the bar, so we did it with beer, tequila, bon fire, music and lazer lights. Well I guess the lazer lights came later, I think we sat outside for like 3 hours watching them and drinking beer. I found them on Amazon for like $17 a piece, only trouble is they are high quality Chinese crap and only 1 out of 3 worked right. Too bad they didn’t make a better quality one I would have gladly paid $50 for. But we had a blast non the less.  I tried taking a video of them on my phone but it didn’t show up. You have to see them to realize how cool they are, or maybe I am just amazed by simple things.

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing?” the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma’s idea!”

9-2-15

Weather: Still Beautiful with the rain.

Thunderstorms and 80 degrees. Sounds like a good day to sit in the garage and drink beer. LOL but that is what I did yesterday. Clear skies the rest of the week, so far anyway.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.” She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

9-1-15

Weather: Still Beautiful.

Happy September………Nothing but sunshine and lollypops up here. Well a little cloudy and chances of rain, but who cares when you live in the UP. We are looking at going for an ATV ride on Friday, gonna be near 90 degrees, maybe we can get a little rain so the dust won’t be too bad.

I got a few of the web cam links working, bare with me, I’ll work on them again tonight.

“Daddy, where did I come from?” seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” the mom asks. “Not really,” the little girl says. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”