Archive for May 4, 2016

5-4-16

Weather: Gloomy again.

After today it is warm weather and sunshine. Might even go for that Sloppy Hoppy on Friday. Becker made it home yesterday, I’m not sure if there are any shells or rocks left in Florida.

Wife – “Where the hell have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband – “I’m so sorry Honey… but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife – “I want the truth and I want it NOW!”  

Husband – “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. ….. 

 

On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it – then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton – and begs me to stop so she

 can buy me a beer. She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. 
             Before you know it – one beer turned to three or four and I guess we were looking

                 pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. 
             Now I’m in her room….clothes are flying …… the talking  stopped….and we proceeded  to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before

                 I know it the clock says 5:30. …… I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. …………
There. You wanted the truth….you got it.” 

Wife – “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you!” 

5-3-16

Weather: Gloomy, Rain.

A few crapy days and then 70’s for the weekend. We need the rain, then the grass can grow and I can start bitching about that ugly ass chore. Last year I bought one of those lawn vacuums that you pull behind the mower, it is kind of a pain in the ass but the yard does look great when you are done. And the mower does have a beverage holder so I guess it is not all bad.

Hopefully the dock will be ready next week, not that I will be fishing when walleye season opens on the 15th, but just to see another sign of Summer arriving.

Becker is on her way home from Florida, Tammy, Laurie and her drove down and stayed with Tammy’s sister for a couple of weeks. I sure wouldn’t want to be riding back with them 3 in that little car with all the shit they bought in Florida. Becker probably has the back seat all full of rocks. (ever see the Long, Long Trailer with Lucile Ball and Desi Arnez?) Well homefully they make it home safe sometime today, the sink is full of dishes, I have no clean underware and the house is a mess.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
 
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” 
 
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
 
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,“Sir,I’m really sorry for the mistake”, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this.
 
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note
saying, ”Congratulations on your new location!”
 
 

5-2-16

Weather: Nice.

Yesterday was May 1st and I received my first of many mosquito bites of the summer. Oh what a joy, too bad the little bastard didn’t bite me the night before when I probably had more tequila in me than blood, that would have served him right. Let the fun begin.

We had a nice weekend, done a little yard work at Mom’s, actually just drank a lot and burned up brush that was laying around. Something about a fire that makes you drink. Needless to say not much got done yesterday.

The Rabbi’s Salary


The local Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Jacobs, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Cohen, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Rabbi will stay on here I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Goldberg, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex.’

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Goldberg, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘fuck him!’